Page 4: Empathy

1) Think of a time when someone demonstrated true empathy toward you. What difference did that make to you?

2) Use this form to respond to specific questions and prompts regarding a conversation where you attempted to demonstrate empathy.

We will come back to these responses at the end of this section.

“We demonstrate empathy by using our imagination to see the world through others’ eyes and feel the world through others’ hearts” (Knight, 2016, p. 43).

According to Knight (2016), we must see people as subjects rather than objects” (p. 47). This requires us to think carefully about how we see others. We need to be truly present in conversations. Focus on what the other person is saying, rather than formulating our response while they are talking.

Brene Brown, in her book Dare to Lead, lists five skills that will assist us in ensuring we are going into conversations and relationships with empathy. Brown (2018) describes these skills as "elements that come together to create empathy, they are the rocket fuel for building trust and increasing connection" (p. 143).

Key takeaways:

Honor other's perspectives, even when they are different from our own
Stay aware of where you struggle, this oftentimes is a starting point of where you become judgmental
Being able to articulate your own emotions (emotional literacy), "is as critical as having language (Brown, 2018, p.146).
Pay attention to the emotions of yourself and your conversation partner. "Minimizing and exaggerating emotion lead to empathetic misses in equal measure" (Brown, 2018, p. 149).

Before we can put our Empathy Skills in action...

We need to understand and be aware of Empathy Misses. We've all been in situations where we've been struggling, hurt, or excited and while sharing our experiences we just don't feel heard, seen, or understood. "It's a sinking feeling, where you feel exposed" (Brown, 2018, p. 152). This situation is called an Empathetic Miss.

We've also all been the person who is projecting these Empathetic Misses onto our conversation partners. Brene Brown (2018) has provided us a list of the six most common Empathetic Misses. It's important to be aware of these so we "can recognize them when we experience them, and be better when we have the opportunity to connect with people in struggle" (Brown, 2018, p. 152).

According to Knight (2016), we must see people as subjects rather than objects” (p. 47). This requires us to think carefully about how we see others. We need to be truly present in conversations. Focus on what the other person is saying, rather than formulating our response while they are talking. Being aware and avoiding these Empathetic Misses is a step in the right direction when molding trusting relationships.

Empathy Misses as described by Brene Brown (2018) in Dare to Lead.

1. Sympathy vs. Empathy - Have you ever truly thought about the difference between sympathy and empathy? In this short video, Brene Brown creatively illustrates the difference in the feelings that sympathy and empathy create in a conversation partner. As you watch the video, think about the phrases you have used in past conversations. Were you being sympathetic in a time when you need to be empathetic?

2. The Gasp and Awe - You miss a deadline. Your friend may gasp and tell you how horrified you should be ("Oh my goodness, I'd just die"). This response causes you shame and makes you feel as if you have to rush in and say ("No, it's okay") and try to make the other person feel better.

3. The Mighty Fall - At work you have one person who looks up to you and feels as if you are the example of an exemplar employee. This type of connection causes them to be extremely let down by your imperfections and disappointed in you. ("I just never expected that from you. I didn't think you would ever be someone who didn't do well. What happened?")

4. The Block and Tackle - When you are uncomfortable with vulnerability and you react in a scolding manner ("What happened?! What was going through your mind?"). Or you are looking for someone else to blame ("Who do they think they are?!).

5. The Boots and Shovel - Trying, relentlessly, to make the situation better and not acknowledging that wrong choices or actions were possibly at play ("You're overreacting. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect.).

6. If you Think That's Bad - The one-up story. When instead of listening and connecting with your conversation partner, you feel as if you have to share your own experience ("That's nothing. Wait till you hear what happened to me...").

BRCF Connection

We should never assume we know what a person is feeling or experiencing. When we commit to being empathetic, we commit to truly hearing, seeing, and supporting our conversation partner.

Empathy can be hard, and it takes practice. Brene Brown (2018) said it best, "I agree to practice empathy, screw it up, circle back, clean it up, and try again" (p. 157).

Committing to being empathetic and being hyper-aware of when we make an empathetic miss will be an important stepping stone in our coaching journeys.

Challenge Connection

Let's check back in with Brandi to see how she is going to use the tools discussed during this portion of the module to improve her relationship with Mrs. Locklear.

Empathy Transcript

Optional

Empathy

Using the tools created by Knight (2016), please plan time to engage in the activities. They will give you greater insight on how to utilize empathy when building and maintaining healthy/lasting relationships.
- Demonstrating Empathy Looking At
- Demonstrating Empathy Looking Ahead

Video of Jim Knight delving deeper into the idea of empathy.

Video of Brene Brown on Shame and Empathy

RETURN to Trust

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