Page 5: Listening
“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.”
~ Dean Rusk
The basis of all relationships is communication. Communication in the
21st century is conducted in a variety of ways over multiple platforms.
Those platforms were created during the flattening of the world as described
by Thomas Friedman in the book: The World is Flat: A Brief History of the
Twenty-first Century. While we have many ways to communicate worldwide,
the preferred way is still face-to-face communication when possible. All modalities
require the most important form of communication possible: listening. Listening, a component of the Building Relationships for Coaching framework element, is a skill that can be taught.
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Stephen Covey (2006) informs readers in The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything to listen first. “To listen first means to not only really listen (to genuinely seek to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, experience, and point of view), but to do it first (before you try to diagnose, influence, or prescribe)” (p. 208). Bloom et al. (2005) assert “all communication is filtered through our listening. It is shaped by our bias, experiences, intentions, and interpretations” (p. 34).
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In the video below, Jim Knight offers some great information on listening that expounds on the idea of how to listen to others.
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Did you think about the persons Knight describes as a good listener? and a person who does not listen well? In your journal, reflect on your listening skills. List ways in which you listen well and things to improve on. Brene' Brown (2018) suggest that we identify people in our square squad, people who love you, flaws and all. Ask them about your listening skills. This data is not to be used to evaluate what they think but rather to be utilized as information to consider for improvement.
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Jim Knight (2016) offers a concept map that describes Listening with Empathy, see the figure below. The concept map provides tips on how to listen by demonstrating empathy and listening with intent.
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Demonstrating Empathy
Affective empathy is defined as showing the other person an emotional connection, feeling what they feel. Cognitive empathy is the ability to take someones perspective or having a rational understanding of their needs. As an instructional coach or leader, the question is: How do you listen for someone's feelings and needs?
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Rosenburg (2003) explains "no matter what others say, we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing and requesting" (p. 94). Additionally, we are to "listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking" (p. 95). Lastly, if we are in tune to the feelings and needs of others, we should not take the words personally, blame, or judge them (Rosenburg, 2003). ​
In the video, Empathic Listening, Geoff Watts offers the viewers rationale and strategies on becoming a more empathic listener. He offers rationale as to why the techniques increases relationship, moral, and respect from others because you listen well. Good time to take notes and journal.
Knight (2016) provides three tools for learners to increase their capacity to demonstrate empathy. Those tools are as follows: (1) Looking Back, (2) Looking At, and (3) Looking Ahead. Knight's rationale for each category is as follows:
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(1) When we Look Back, we consider interactions we've had with people in order to learn from them so we can be more effective in the future.
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(2) When we Look At, we consider interactions we are currently having or observing.
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(3) Looking Ahead is making plans for how we will interact in the future.
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Reflecting on your past experiences and the Looking Back: Demonstrating Empathy tool, identify a conversation where you attempted to demonstrate empathy.
1. What did you do well?
2. Identify and list areas of improvement.
3. What will you do differently to improve listening with empathy?
Listening with Intent
Knight (2016) provides four strategies for listening with good intentions. They are as follows: (1) commit to listen, (2) make sure your partner is the speaker, (3) pause before you speak, and (4) don't interrupt. Each strategy is explained in more detail below.
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Commit to listen.
"When we commit to listening, we enter into conversations determined to let the other person speak, and this means we don’t fill up the conversation with our own words" (p. 53).
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Make sure your partner is the speaker.
"Good listeners give others plenty of opportunity to speak. For that reason, you should teach yourself to ask, “Am I the listener or am I the speaker?” If you find that you are always the speaker, work on taking on the alternate role" (p. 54).
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Pause before you speak.
"Careless words in response to what someone says can negate another person’s comment and create the same impact as not listening at all. If my comments shut down my partner, then I should find another way to respond or say nothing" (p. 54).
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Don’t interrupt.
"Stop interrupting other people when they are talking. When we interrupt others, we are showing them in not-so-subtle ways that we believe that what they are saying doesn’t really matter—our comments matter so much more" (p. 56).
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Aguilar (2013) explains that a coach listens with intent for what the teacher is and is not saying. The information to garner from what is being said are assumptions, interpretations, and beliefs of the teacher. The data coaches collect from what is not being said are feelings, thoughts, beliefs and gaps in information. Aguilar (2013) assert the benefit of coaches intentionally listening is to gain an understanding of the teachers patterns of thinking.
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Revisiting the notes from the video of both Knight and Watts, the strategies listed on this page, and the feedback you received from your square squad, consider the following:
1. Identify strategies that you already practice and do well.
2. Identify strategies that you did not do well but will now take steps to improve upon. Brainstorm those steps.
3. Identify strategies that you did not know but definitely will incorporate into your practice. List the benefits of these new strategies.
Challenge & BRCF Connection
Optional
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Using the tools created by Knight (2016), listed to the right, please plan time to engage in the activities. They will give you greater insight on how to listen with empathy and listen with intent.
Note: You access the documents by clicking the italic underlined title.
1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
2. Are You Really Listening? Keys to Successful Communication by Paul Donoghue & Mary Siegel
3. The Art of Coaching: Effective Strategies for School Transformation by Elena Aguilar
Video
In this video, Alain Cardon, a Master Coach Certified explains the importance of silence in coaching. You will find the eight minute video to be foundational to your practice and give a new insight to the silence that you offer to the teacher and to yourself when you really listen.
Articles
Education Week... Active Listening: The Keys to Transforming Your Coaching
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Effective Communication... Become An Engaged Listener